Many people who know me well know that I sometimes wrestle with the question "…why was I chosen to remain on this planet when my friends are dying…?".
It goes back to my early 20s when I was first admitted into coronary care. Then there was the Friday before my 40th birthday -- when a tractor trailer crested the hill, hitting my stopped car on the driver's door. The impact tore the car beyond recognition, ripped to tongue of the boat's trailer from the back of the car and hurled the boat almost a quarter mile down the highway. Without any idea of what was about to happen, why would I do something I'd never done before or since – I disconnected my seatbelt less than 10 seconds before impact and allowed gravity to throw me through the passenger door ripped open by the impact.
I survived that wreck with little more than terribly stretched muscles and a lot of pain. It's likely that settling up with the insurance companies was more painful than the wreck.
Then about 20 years ago I had been having some back pain and difficulty walking. My wife Pat, the kids and I were living in the great little city of Centreville, VA (a suburb of Washington, DC) at the time and I was being treated for a narrowing of a couple aberrations of my lumbar spine. He had completely missed the tumor(s) growing in my pelvis, right hip and right femur.
The day they found those tumors was the highest and lowest day or my life up until then. It started a roller coaster ride that has left me with more questions than answers. Having a gaggle of doctors, ministers, friends and family came into my hospital room to share with me news that I had one chance in a million to live 30 more days was not a day I'd want to reschedule! Planning your funeral is no fun, especially when you're a church organist and you want to hear every piece you truly love played at least one more time – as if you'll actually hear the service.
Almost a year and a half later – 15-20 months since I was supposed to have died – we found the masses growing once again and had a repeat performance. But this time, it was much lower key and without a lot of the plans I had made a year and a half earlier. The second time, I had come to grips with several things.
- John is not in control. The ultimate decision is somewhere else and once we've done all we can do, place your hands under the control of the Almighty and you'll feel a lot better
- I was by then – as I still am – wrestling with the why am I here question. It may be as simple as to tell people like you, people who read stuff like this, that there is a power stronger than any of us and the power comes from above, from payers of your family and friends and through your faith and belief that you're never fighting a battle alone.
Well that's not the end of my story, since then I've also had two heart attacks, I'm the proud owner of several cardiac stents and take more pills a day than many people can count. I have just had some abdominal surgery – but I'm still kicking.
You know, it's absolutely amazing that when things start looking blue and when I get to a point where I start to feel a little sorry for myself or start questioning things, something always comes along to make me realize just how good things are! I've had two life changing things happen just this week.
I feel like a met a long-lost friend. I first read Parade Magazine's My Last Lecture article last weekend. This story is, of course, a story about somebody I consider a true hero – Professor Randy Pausch. I also watched his story on ABC last night, wiping my tear stained eyes several times; but thanking God that there are still people making a difference. Randy agrees with what I've long held as a basic premise, don't question the hand dealt, just figure out how to play it! The only way to get rid of the hand may be to throw in the cards; but at least it's after careful evaluation of all the options.
I went to visit a long time friend I had not seen in a while just to find that he had gone blind – as a result of diabetes out of control. Quite an adjustment; but seen as a bump in the road, not a mountain that can't be climbed.
Randy's story is online. If you haven't seen it, don't let today pass without viewing it. It's truly life changing and can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&eurl=http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/
